on the winds of change

When I set out on this journey, there were two images that always stuck in the back of my mind. One was the protagonist in my favorite movie as a teenager, Chocolat. Vianne and her daughter roam the countryside opening chocolateries (as you do in postwar Europe), only moving when the great north wind sends gusts so strong that Vianne knows it’s time yet again to pack their things and go (we also know this is happening because her hair becomes perfectly tousled as she stares wistfully out windows, and a forlorn flute plays in the distance).  The second is Mary Poppins. Aside from being the only movie where you can watch Dick Van Dyke terrifyingly dance with penguins, it features one of my favorite chords at the opening of a movie. Bert, in his bizarre Cockney, sings about the winds coming from the east, a change brewing. Cue Mary’s famous, windy entrance.

The “winds of change” has been a phrase bouncing around in my head for many years now. It’s the name I gave the gut feeling that was brewing, the feeling I knew something needed to change. For awhile, I changed the small things. I briefly gave up coffee (HUGE MISTAKE), I started spin classes (surprisingly not awful), I adopted a cat (the best cat in all the land, shoutout to Toby). But, somewhere deep down, I knew what needed to change was the big stuff. Last March, I finally took a cue from Vianne and Mary. I packed up my bags and left because it felt right to.

In the time since I left in March, I’ve certainly listened to those winds often. I’ve changed course, I’ve come home; hell, I even got a tattoo of Mary on my ribcage (I committed hardcore to this imagery, apparently).

But, then I arrived in the hills of Ireland. You see, the thing about my interpretation of the “winds of change” idea is that it was largely internal. I was drawn to these women who knew their gut and acted upon it. It wasn’t about responding to actual wind; the extreme hair-tousling moments in those movies seemed a little excessive, and I thought a distraction from the inner language of instinct. Resolve.

A few nights ago, on a particularly wintry evening here in Enniskerry, my roommates and I huddled in our TV room and watched Chocolat. I hadn’t seen it in years and, like any good story, I heard it differently this time. Vianne, in all her comings and goings, was reacting just as much to the story the landscape was telling her, as much as to the voice within. She let that landscape shape her.

As a student always situated at the crossroads of literature and history, it’s a concept I’ve long adored. I remember reading Borges and Marquez in high school, fastidiously consulting my dictionary, fascinated with realismo mágico’s relationship with time. In college, I fortuitously took a class with an English professor who shared his undying love of Thomas Hardy with us. Mayor of Casterbridge, 100 años de soledad, Labyrinths — these were odes to the cyclical nature of time. When you ground your words in a singular place but you move down the axis of time, you see how stories repeat. People impress themselves on the world around them, but the world makes its mark on you. The landscape leaves an imprint; the stories it carries and the things it remembers linger on the surface. They can change you.

In my 9 months of travel, I’ve lived and worked in particularly remote areas. Miles from local villages, tucked on hillsides, waking up to cow bells and distant church towers. I’ve been in places where it’s easier, more inviting, to read the land for the stories it can share. At home, especially in the Bay Area, there is little focus on the land, much less its history. Land is for groundbreaking, for new beginnings. 

But in the places I’ve been, it’s about places that haven’t changed but for time. It’s about landscapes that haven’t been marked by physical developments, but by temporal ones. It’s a subtler story.

One of my favorite poets, John O’Donohue, hails from western Ireland. He writes often of this place and of its landscape. In my all time favorite interview (from On Being, which likely everyone has heard me wax poetic about at this point), he says, off-the-cuff about his native Ireland: “What amazes me about landscape [is that] landscape recalls you into a mindful mode of stillness, solitude, and silence where you can truly receive time.”

Every afternoon, after we finish our chores, my roommates and I go for a walk in the mountains. We’re nestled along the Wicklow Way, a famous rambler’s paradise in southern Ireland. The sun sets around 4, but I don’t seem to mind the darkness. The hours of daylight are greener, mistier, and more rich than most landscapes I’ve lived in. Most days, we walk in silence. We listen to the sheep, the wind, the hills. I wonder what stories haunt these hills. I wonder what story I’m now a part of. It’s easy to forget what this land remembers.

I recently listened to the first scene of Mary Poppins again, when Bert sings his eery opening chord. I’d never really noticed it before — I was distracted by this whole winds thing — but he ends with: “Can’t put me finger/on what lies in store/but I feel what’s to happen/all happened before.”

In this quest to listen more deeply to my gut, I’d forgotten about listening to a far more primal voice — and one, given my parenting, just as deeply in my bones: history. My story isn’t singular. It’s part of a bigger landscape, a story likely repeating. Though I only root myself in places for a short while, I’ve realized it’s my job to deeply plant myself when I do land somewhere, so I can stretch along that axis of time. So I can learn other histories and be shaped not just by my own resolve, but by the stories that came before, the stories these lands remember.

And, just perhaps, generations from now, another woman on the precipice of 30 will wander these hills and be moved by the winds of change.


One thought on “on the winds of change”

  1. I love this concept. Your post opened my eyes to this balance that exists between our own resolve and the seeming resoluteness of our landscape. I listen for (and put pressure on) those internal winds of change and I need to start listening to those external ones as well.

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